Explorer AMS Audio Files & Transcripts

1989-12-02 - AMS-4 (Raw Transcript) 00:02 This is session II 89 335, the fourth session with a M S. on December 219 89, the time is 12 o'clock noon? 00:20 And how are you doing now? 00:22 I'm doing fine. 00:23 Would you like to continue just that relaxation? Or would you like to get into the session, 00:29 I think I'd like to just go ahead. 00:31 That's good, then just continue the process that you've already begun, coming deeply relaxed. And do whatever preparation is important to you as part of the process, you know, so Well, I'll join you in the essence of the affirmation. Let's continue relaxing and take yourself on to focus 10. And then when you're in a nice 10 state, just let me know. 01:07 Could we shut the light off? Sure. 01:18 Would you like to move on from there? 01:20 Yes. Just 01:27 express your willingness and your intent to now and to learn was important for you to learn today. And allowing all the limitations and boundaries slip away. To focus 12. 01:49 Going to focused well the I always have such a sensation of joyfulness. And this time mediately I started feeling support because I was feeling the energy from you and from Tina supporting my quest or supporting the real me. And I was just trying to feel that and to extend that 02:26 to the other support that was around me. 02:30 And then it was extended to other people in my life that are supporting me. 02:40 And then there was a sense of sadness, because 02:44 I had felt so little of this in the past. And that this was a new experience. It was like seeing something that you never saw before. That was always there. And because it was so new to you. You didn't quite know what it felt like. 03:13 So as I was 03:17 feeling this 03:20 support energy. 03:24 The Circle of Support would keep expanding and there there would be more people and even people that I had not seen as particularly supportive, especially my older brother who is seen as more domineering and unsupportive. And even he was in this 03:48 circle. But then 03:52 as the support was growing, I find myself back in my old house in California in the family room. 04:06 And the thoughts quickly went through my mind that 04:13 perhaps even my neighbors were supporting me even though these particular neighbors 04:24 were 04:28 on the surface, very unsupported and very unhelpful and very noisy and very obnoxious. And that image of finding myself in that home seemed somewhat confusing. 04:49 But that's where I am right now is right in that right in that old family room. 04:56 Yes, stay with that for a while. Just 05:11 seem to be going through the house and seeing it the way it was before we left and I'm appreciating the way it looks because I had 05:25 finally finished 05:29 redecorating before we sold it and I can see myself touching 05:36 the shades 05:39 and appreciating the draperies and seeing the sunshine in the house and there's a sense of appreciation for this for this what I saw as beauty and 06:14 I feel very emotional I feel like crying because I feel so silly to 06:48 I feel so silly to be attached to the texture of a fabric or the way the sun shines in a room just to to be appreciative of that beauty seams 07:07 are unimportant or thing that shouldn't be and yet I can see myself in this particular house I can I can see everything I can see the carpet I can feel the texture of the carpet I can feel what it's like when you walk on it I can see the baby's room I can see the draperies in our bedroom and the wallpaper and how it looks with the lights on 08:00 and the odd thing is I can see everything at one time I don't have to go from room to room I can see every room simultaneously 08:13 sounds as though there's something that you need to say to that house something that would help with the feelings of loss perhaps and the beauty you created there 08:41 well it's not really the house it's the beautiful things 08:48 I feel 08:51 I feel that they're gone and they haven't been replaced 09:13 I feel a sense of wanting to embrace the things wanting to feel the things 09:25 I think I just 09:32 I just miss the house so much I'm so attached to the house 09:51 know I'm kind of floating between that house and the house I'm in now. And the family rooms how Was that I'm in now I can see the Christmas decorations and the sun shining in the Florida room 10:41 I feel 10:49 I feel a fear in the house I feel an uneasiness in the house 11:03 is this something you were aware of before now 11:08 yes because the fear that I'm that I'm feeling 11:25 is related to Larry and 11:34 there's a type of 11:46 this is really hard to report 11:47 because I'm embarrassed to report it 11:55 it's related to finding Larry doing something of fear that I'm going to find him doing a particular thing 12:16 makes me panicky 12:18 makes me upset 12:33 and it played it makes me want to leave the house 12:48 so don't feel 12:59 don't feel attached to the house there's something wrong with it that it's not quite right 13:11 and that there's part of me that wants to leave it and so I can see myself up in the air above the house and leaving the house 13:34 and kind of going away into the universe 13:50 and then being pulled back I have a sense 14:22 sense that 14:30 that Larry is evil and bad and I need to be away from that presence. And even as I was saying that it doesn't see 14:51 it doesn't seem true but there's there's an inner something that feels it 15:03 unrelated to 15:04 the situation just the sense that I want to save 15:30 and I feel myself being very frightened of him I don't recall ever having been frightened of him before 15:48 what is this fear specifically 15:52 afraid that he's going to hurt me in some way 15:58 look at that fear now and try to make it as specific as you can in what way might he hurt you 16:32 pray that he might hurt me sexually, that there will be something bizarre that he will want to do sexually and that I will be hurt or frightened or tortured 17:07 going deep within yourself where does this fear originate? Where does this fear come from? 17:22 The only image I can pick picture that I remember from from an old Scientology auditing session and it's just very unclear but I'm in a cave 17:57 and it really what the sense is, if I just report what I did see is I'm seeing sort of a torture seed and it's like a spear or a stick being used vaginally as a torture device. But I'm I see this real distorted real dibbley But it's not like I'm in the picture. It's just like I have a vague awareness of that 18:33 I want you to make this picture more clear which you can do and I want you to be in the picture you can do this become that scene 18:58 seem to be several people 19:01 in this cave and there's a fire and there's cooking 19:13 and I seem to be 19:16 bent over the stove 19:23 and bundled up because 19:24 it seems to be cold. 19:28 There seems to be I keep my eye is being drawn back to a something red, like as a red.or ball or cloth somewhere in the periphery 19:40 like a symbol. 19:43 And then there's there's the arrival of someone and it's like this as the patriarch or the man of the house. And this person is very angry and he seems to be carrying Moses 20:06 whether it's a crest or a rod or something 20:22 and then when he comes in and the people around us see that he's angry they spin they begin leaving and partying and I'm left with this person because I think this is my husband although he seems to have several wives and the focuses of his attention 20:50 and what he seems to have discovered is that I've been having an affair with somebody else 20:55 you because 21:00 I'm not in love with him I'm in love with someone I just happen to be one of this person's wives just because I happen to be 21:17 and then it seems that he takes this this rod and puts it in the fire and throws me down 21:38 he burns me because this is his way of preventing me from having any sexual relations with anybody else and or to have them period and I can see myself screaming and rolling because it's so painful 22:08 burned really badly 22:26 then he turns around and leaves 22:46 then someone seems to be coming to my aid 23:08 and then this person, the person that's coming to my aid is a woman that I have the impression that it's someone that I know now that's male, and then it's either glary or the the other person that seems odd is it's Larry or it's Dave. And then the picture switch back and forth. Like a blurred image and then there's this woman with a presence of someone that I know of something the presence reminds me of someone I know here and there's some type of ointment or cloth as she puts on me 24:03 and then carries me on away from this large cave and into a series of interconnecting tunnels and rooms. And she takes me into one of these and lies me down. 24:57 And although I can see this See I have a series of impressions that come quickly and the one is that I'm I'm recuperating for a series of weeks that I have been very badly physically hurt and that she administers to my needs she brings me food she dresses me puts ointment on me but there's also a sense of this lover coming to visit me also this this person that I loved 25:56 and then there's a sense of feeling, feeling with love and feeling these presences. 26:12 Of being nurtured and healed 26:39 disquiet the uncomfortable thing for me is that this person that was the lover is someone that I know now that I 26:53 but I have known in this life 26:57 but I have not had any type of relationship with 27:13 I have sensed the presence 27:30 put out the question now in your mind and asking for help. He has to understand the lessons involved in this memory, asked to understand what this memory has to teach you 27:57 the thought immediately comes a picture of this evil man comes to view and immediately the thought comes in that I'm not the possession of anybody that nobody owns me and that no matter what happens to me on a on a physical level or are the material external that no one can extinguish the 28:37 base sense of love and connectedness that is present and expressed through others that this is the real existence this 28:51 being able to feel 28:58 this loving presence coming to me through others and I keep returning to that. That image where I'm being cared for, but it's not the idea of being cared for. It's the feeling of the support and the love that I feel in these two particular presences 29:31 in the picture, it's like I'd like to 29:42 to savor that feeling of, of being surrounded and loved. And I guess safe is involved in that 29:57 to that I'm that Okay Are All Right or 30:10 there's the sense also that I'm okay all right because I'm because I'm me because in this particular picture physically I've been damaged and sexually I've been damaged so there's not a sexual component left anymore to the to the interactions but even taking that out there is still this sense 30:44 or this strong love and support and nurturance 31:28 knowing that this support is there for you that you are loved and supported How can you best support yourself how can you add to this through your support and love of self 31:56 preoccupied by trying to look at this other person trying to figure out what they're doing there and what they look like 32:17 you can have clarity on this you know this it's simply a matter of remembering 32:25 can't see what they look like that I only see them now and the images merge 32:35 asked for clarity 32:42 person very much 32:58 and I'm frightened because this person 33:07 that I see this image is someone that I have known in this life that's frightening to me 33:25 I'm fearful that I would do anything to feel this support that I failed at this point in time 33:41